


Blue as a boy can be.

by Bananasplit86



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Angst, Friendship, Gen, Leaving Home
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-14
Updated: 2017-10-14
Packaged: 2019-01-17 05:58:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12358956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bananasplit86/pseuds/Bananasplit86
Summary: Benni is faced with an agonising decision. Leave the only home he's ever known, or move on from what's happened and stay. Manu helps along the way.





	Blue as a boy can be.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kkslover9](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kkslover9/gifts).



> I sincerely hope that this fills your prompt. That it's painful enough. Lord knows that saga was and still is.
> 
> I hope you like it. I really really do.

Manu feels his anger rising. He feels it bubble through him, boiling through his veins and raging deep inside him. If he could vent steam from his ears like in the cartoons he would. And his face would rumble just the same. He unclenches his fists and wonders at just what point they had curled and bunched, nails biting hard into his palms. 

He doesn't understand. What has Benni done wrong? What has Benni done to deserve this? Benni deserves far more, Benni deserves everything that Schalke owes him for his unwavering loyalty and dedication through the years. Benni deserves everything for pushing himself beyond his physical limit, playing through pain and injury, and the mental toll that it has taken on him.

Manu closes his eyes and breathes; slow and steady, long and deep; and presses his fingers to his temples. “Oh Benni.” He sighs. 

\--

There's rumours. Lots of them, and Manu isn't sure what's true or not, or even if he wants them to be true. He understands, of course he does. How can he not?

He left because he felt he had to, because he felt that there was nowhere for him to go anymore but simply straight ahead. There was no upward arc left for him in Gelsenkirchen. But in Munich? In Munich he could see the curve, he could see the trajectory and feel the rocket that would propel him upwards and onwards. 

He had scope to grow and push forward. Room to improve and be a better version of himself. It was his choice in the end to move and no matter how much it hurt to leave the only home he'd ever known, he’d wanted and needed to.

But Benni? He knows deep down that Benni never wanted this. He knows that Benni wants to stay, wants to honour his contract, his home and his life. 

But Manu also knows that there's no way he can stay now. How can he stay and play under a man that doesn't trust him? A man that doesn't understand him? 

He knows Benni doesn't want this, but he knows that it has to happen.

\--

“It's ok you know.” Manu says softly, pressing the phone to his ear with one hand, the other buried into his hair with his elbow resting on the table. “The fans will understand why.”

“I know they will, but I feel - oh I don't know Manu. I feel like I'm doing wrong, like I'm disrespecting the club by asking for this.” Benni sighs.

Manu can hear the pain in his voice and the turmoil in his heart. He can practically see Benni’s brow furrowed, lines creasing across his forehead, and lips pulled tight. 

“Disrespecting the club? There's only one person who's done that and it isn't you Benni. If anything it's you who’s been disrespected. After everything you've given the club and the team, everything you've put yourself through, you deserve more. You know and I know it.”

“You know I don't agree with you. No one deserves more than the club, but somewhere deep down I guess you're right in a way. But how can I do this Manu? How can I do this after everything I've said?”

“You never said you wouldn't leave Ben. You said you wouldn't play for anyone else in this league and this country. That's a very different thing and it makes you a far better captain than I ever was.”’

“Don't ever say that to me again.” Benni bites at him, and he flinches back from the phone slightly, leaning back in his chair. “You taught me everything I know. Without you I'd be half the man I am now.” 

Manu allows himself to smile slightly, the memories of their time together washing over him again, like they had done so often recently. He's often wondered how different things would be now if he'd stayed in the Ruhrpott, but he can't dwell on that. 

“And I don’t agree with you on that,” he laughs, “you’ve always been a better man than I am, always will be no matter where you are.”

Benni sighs, “yeah, no. Am I doing the right thing though Manu? Should I leave, especially now after everything has happened? Will it look like I'm leaving because I'm petulant or angry?” 

“You know that I can't answer that. It's not my decision, it not anyone’s decision but yours. All I can tell you is what I think.” He pauses, what for, he’s not too sure. Maybe to make sure he says the right thing? Maybe to reconcile his own pain at leaving the club that brought him up? “I think you should do what you _feel_. Only you know how you’re feeling after that idiot has done what he’s done. Only you know how you’d feel working with him when he clearly doesn’t trust you.”

“But do _you_ think I should go Manu.”

He takes a breath, because, yes, he does, but he’s not sure if Benni is ready to hear it. Benni isn’t him. Benni never wanted to leave the only home he’s ever known. But he did. 

He says it anyway.

“I think you should, yes. I think you’re at the right stage in your life and career to try something new. Expand from just Schalke.”

He hears the sigh and knows that Benni knew he’d say that. “Thanks Manu. I guess I knew what you’d say but it makes it more real to hear it. It’s weird to think that this could be it. I could never be back, never call it home again and I suppose I’m just a little apprehensive.”

“Let me tell you something I’ve never told anyone Benni. As much as I wanted to leave Schalke and Gelsenkirchen to further myself and push myself, I was scared as anything. I was terrified. And heartbroken too. Sure, it was my decision but it was the hardest thing that I’ve ever done. At that point it was all I’d known, all I’d done and my life was there. My family and my friends. You. I cried more then than I’ve ever cried. 

“People think it was an easy decision for me. The fans think I just upped and left, but they never saw the conflict, they never saw me at home. They didn’t live with me and know about the sleepless nights, the constant thoughts of ‘am I doing the right thing?’ But you know what? As much as that decision cost me personally and pained me, it was _my_ decision and I stuck to it, got through and GK is still my home Benni. It’s still a part of who I am, no matter who I play for or where I am. It’s still home. And it will be for you, no matter what you do. Make the decision for you and Lisa, don’t make it for the fans and don’t let _him_ make it for you.”

The next time Benni speaks his voice is cracked and broken and Manu has to choke back his own tears. He knows the pain that Benni is going through but he also knows that it’s so much more for Benni. 

“Thank you Manu. I mean that. Thank you.”

“You never have to thank me. Unless I bake you goodies, then you have to thank me!”

He smiles as the laugh filters through the phone. “You never bake anyone anything never mind me.”

“Well then, you don’t have to thank me do you?” 

“Of course I do. I guess- I guess I’m leaving Schalke then.”

“Turin is nice, Lisa will love it there. All the little cafes and parks for Sommer. You’ll enjoy it, I promise.”

“I hope so. Thanks again Manu, you’re a real friend.”

“And so are you. I’m always here for you, just a call away. I mean that. Good luck Benni.”

The line goes dead and Manu finally relaxes, letting his body droop and relax, taking it all in. 

Schalke without Benni. Benni not in blue. 

He could always see a Schalke without himself but a Schalke without Benni? He could never see that at all.

**Author's Note:**

> Hit me up with feedback.
> 
> Pretty please?


End file.
